It’s now a year to the day since my last post on this blog.

One year ago I took a piece of paper to visit a friend,
she signed as witness to a change in my name.
it’s been a long journey, it’s not been easy.
I think it’s fair to say that some were surprised.

I wasn’t surprised because I’ve always known
A splinter in my mind nagging and telling
A question hanging over every relationship
” if you knew who I really was, would you love me still?“

to know that you are impossible, unnatural
to hear “people like that should be locked away“
that “you’ll ruin your life if you go on like that”
means you bury it deep, in a very deep grave

and on the soil of that deep grave
you build a life, full and challenging
you work, you work, you work
as work sets you free, you don’t have to think

you know the part you know the role
You wear the suit, you smile, you laugh
you watch the others and learn to pass
until it’s almost like you’re really there.

But ask any gravedigger and they’ll tell you
That graves collapse as time does pass
And monuments or stones erected
Will lean in chaos or collapse.

The ecosystem of my life was dying
I had tried and almost passed
the clock, my time of life was passing
and I had lost my well worn mask

the songs I’d sung, the hymns and motets
the prayers became the words he’d said
i didn’t know if divine creation or aberrant
psychology was my inmost being

but ex terra lucem is my home town motto
and through the soil rose up my soul
forgiveness for the lies I’d lived
not certain and certainly not my prize

so here I am at last existing
within my life some damage caused
some pride still for the history created
and trepidation at the future course

I have the words, I have the skills
i have the friends and family
i have the knowledge of my existence
but finally, I now have me.